February 27, 2012
What a week I have had. Last Wednesday I met up with a friend that had moved out of Nürnberg but was going to be in town for the day. It was nice to have coffee with her and chat. After that we went to the Red Cross to check out the second hand clothes. I did not find anything for myself this time, but I did end up getting a couple of stuffed animals for Bailey. She rips her toys apart so fast, I would much rather get her toys there at a fraction of the cost, than at the pet stores. We went and got a couple of drinks after that and had a really enjoyable day. The sun was shining and it was actually warm enough to take our coats off for a bit while we sat outside and soaked up the sun.
Thursday was an okay day. DH worked from home that day so I did not have to drive him to work so I could use his car to go and clean our friend’s apartment. We went to the gym together in the morning so that was nice…except that I got into it with this total tool at the gym. I have seen this guy many times before and I always kind of laughed in my head about him. He always has a ponytail in and chomps on gum like a cow chomps on grass. He also always walks around the gym like he thinks he is totally the shit, when what he actually is, is a total tool. Anyway, I had never had any encounters with him until Thursday. He had put his towel on one of the only two abdominal machines in the place. He had actually “reserved” 4 different machines with various items he had brought with him to the gym. I didn’t worry about it to much at the time because I was still doing my cardio. When I was done on the treadmill, I went over and did some stretching, and then moved on to the weights. I did everything that I wanted to do except this one machine that this dork still had his towel on. I saw him doing another exercise so I finally got tired of waiting and I removed his towel and hung it over the sign next to the machine. As soon as I sat down and he noticed it, he stopped what he was doing and began yelling at me telling me that the machine I was using was his. I told him that he did not own the gym and he could not just “reserve” all the machines that he wanted and expect nobody else to use them. He told me that he could do that, and my response was, “well, if you can do that, than I can remove your towel when you are not using it so that I can get on….and you don’t have to like it”. He looked at me very angrily and then told me that I had two minutes, to which I responded with a “whatever” and some eye rolling.
I am so tired of Germans thinking that they are so much better than everyone. I am tired of their sense of entitlement that they have. I am tired of them thinking that what I do is any of their business and that they have a right…no, actually a duty, to inform me about all the things I do wrong. Of course I know that this is a generalization, and not all Germans are like this, but it seems more often than not, these are the people that I have run ins with and I am tired of it. I want to go home.
Of course none of this is helped by the fact that I have not started my period yet. I still have sore nipples, emotional instability, cramping, etc. I even did it to myself again….I allowed myself to think that maybe, just maybe one sperm managed to squeak by DH’s blockage (after all, when he had his SA done, they found 35 dead sperm). Maybe a sperm managed to squeak by and somehow survive. Maybe, just maybe I happened to ovulate a decent egg this time. Maybe, just maybe, God had decided that I had suffered enough and I was going to be that “miracle story” that everyone tells you about (although nobody actually seems to know any of these people). Maybe this was going to happen. I actually bought a pregnancy test when I went to the grocery store. All of those maybes turned out to be no though. The test was negative of course. Then I got mad at myself for even allowing myself to think like that again. Why do I keep letting myself go down that path of possibility? It only disappoints me every time. I wish that DH had zero sperm in his SA and I wish that it was actually impossible in every way for us. At least then I could move on and stop torturing myself. All of this just makes me mad at God all over again. I keep praying to Him and asking Him why he allows these thoughts to get into my head. Why is He doing this to me? Have I not suffered enough? Does He get some sort of kick out of watching me suffer like this?
It certainly seems to be that way. Friday night we went to a party and there were two pregnant girls there. Two very lovely, well deserving, pregnant girls. It is only a reminder of how I will never have that. It is not that I am not happy for them, because I am. I am just sad for us. Very, very sad for us. I smoked that night and drank a lot of wine. I don’t know what else to do. In addition to this, we have about 10 friends that are pregnant right now. Every time I open up FB I see baby shower photos, ultrasounds, status updates about feeling the baby kick, and so on. I smile for these people, but I cry for myself. I am tired of feeling sad and frustrated. I am tired of forcing a smile.
Saturday DH and I relaxed for most of the day. He surprised me by getting our favorite pizza so when I woke up around lunch time, he was on his way home with food. That was nice.
Sunday we had some really wonderful friends over for a big breakfast. We made a ton of food! We had thick French toast, buttermilk pancakes (made from scratch), coffee cake, fruit salad, bacon, homemade sausage (DH is good at that), coffee, champagne…..we REALLY ate! Our friends have a lovely little girl that is definitely entertaining to watch. We took her to the park that is right by our apartment and it was fun to watch the men play with this sweet little girl. Of course, it made me a little bit sad to watch how wonderful DH is with kids and we can’t have any. Mom ended up cold and asked me if I wanted to go back in the apartment and I said sure. It worked out for both of us. She didn’t know I was sad, but I was able to get away from the scene and she was able to warm up. I smoked two cigarettes . Rats.
And now here we are at Monday. I do NOT plan on calling MHM today because I just can’t deal with it. I have things I need to get done, but I just feel exhausted because of this never-ending PMS. I will try to get something accomplished today. I need to go to the gym because we did not go all weekend, but I don’t feel like it at all. I have no idea how to force it. All I can think about is getting back to the States, getting a job, and being around family again. Blah…….
No comments:
Post a Comment